"Oh, Waiter!"
A funny little play to put on for a birthday party
Did you ever wish you were a guest at the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party? Or wanted to play a role in one of Jane Austen’s house-party theatrical productions?
One year Sam and I put on a play for a family birthday party, and I thought you might like to do the same. It’s festive, it’s funny! Everyone will recognize the actors and there’s a surprise at the end.
In this play, the three actors read from scripts, so there are no lines to learn. Gather the props and prepare the scripts and the stage set ahead of time. Let the actors practice two or three times before the party.
Use things you have on hand. Be creative and have fun. (Please save this event til Covid’s over, or when it’s warm and you can put it on outdoors.)
SCENE:
Two small tables, one chair at each. A Menu Board with chalk or marker that says “LARRY’S RESTAURANT - TODAY’S SPECIAL”. Signs with arrows at stage right and left that say “FRONT DOOR” and “KITCHEN”.
PROPS:
ON STAGE: Two Menus; Order Pad (see Production Notes below). Marker for Menu Board. Sugar bowl or shaker on one table, ketchup bottle on the other table.
OFF STAGE in KITCHEN: A plate of kibbles (can be cereal). Desserts book (see Production Notes below). A man’s apron and chef’s hat. A real birthday cake with lighted candles!
WOMAN carries: Handbag that holds stuffed toy dog or cat.
PRODUCTION NOTES:
The (3) 8½” by 11” covers on the left are stapled onto copies of the Script with each Actor’s lines highlighted in a different color: the WAITER carries the Order Pad; the WOMAN’s Menu is on the table with the sugar; the MAN’s Menu is on the table with the ketchup. “Desserts” cover is taped to a thick old book like War and Peace.
ACTORS:
1 woman; 2 men (one of them changes costume or wig to play 2 roles)
ROLES:
WAITER named Gary (played by 1st ACTOR; wears apron; picks up and carries the Order Pad)
WOMAN (played by 2nd ACTOR; carries handbag with stuffed toy cat or dog)
MAN (played by 3rd ACTOR; wears wig or hat and coat; he should be able to go through FRONT DOOR around to KITCHEN without being seen by the audience; changes into apron and Chef’s hat to act the role of THE COOK)
THE COOK named Harry (played by 3rd ACTOR, see above)
THE PLAY SCRIPT:
[WAITER in apron stands at Menu Board, his back to the front door; writes in large letters, “LEFTOVER STEW WITH”. WOMAN enters Front Door with pet in handbag; goes to table with sugar on it, stands there, picks up Menu. WAITER doesn’t see her, writes “NEW POTATOES” while WOMAN watches]
WOMAN: Excuse me.
WAITER: [Sees her; puts down marker; picks up Order Pad from table] Yes, ma’am. Can I help you?
WOMAN: I’d like a table.
WAITER: I’m sorry, ma’am, this isn’t a furniture store. We don’t sell tables. It’s Larry’s Restaurant.
WOMAN: You’re Larry?
WAITER: No, he’s my brother. I’m Gary.
WOMAN: If you don’t mind, I’ll sit down and order something to eat. [Sits down; puts handbag on table]
WAITER: Oh, ma’am, I’m sorry, we can’t allow your pet in this restaurant. It’s against the health rules.
WOMAN: This isn’t my pet. It belongs to my friend Mabel.
WAITER: Oh, okay. Could I bring it something to nibble on while you look at our menu? Some of Larry’s gourmet kibbles, maybe?
WOMAN: Please.
WAITER: [Goes into kitchen, calling] Hey, Harry!
[WOMAN plays with pet. MAN comes in; sits at table with ketchup on it; looks at Menu]
WAITER: [Comes in from kitchen with Order Pad and plate of kibbles, sets plate on table in front of WOMAN] Would you like some ketchup to go with that, ma’am?
WOMAN: Ketchup?
WAITER: There’s some over there. [Points with thumb to other table]
WOMAN: You’re so rude. These kibbles are not for me!
WAITER: Oh, lady, I’m so sorry! [Bows, takes plate of kibbles, sets it in front of MAN]
MAN: What is this? Yuck!
WAITER: Are you insulting Harry?
MAN: Who’s Harry?
WAITER: He’s the cook here. But you’re just lucky I’m Gary and not Larry!
WOMAN: Oh, waiter!
WAITER: [Comes over] Yes, ma’am?
WOMAN: [Points at MAN’s table] Waiter, that looks delicious. I’ll have what that man’s having.
WAITER: You’re on. [Gets plate of kibbles from MAN’s table, puts it down in front of WOMAN]
MAN: This place is crazy. I’m leaving. [Goes out.]
WAITER: Would you like ketchup with that? It’s over there. [Points to other table]
WOMAN: This is pet kibbles! Take it away!
[WAITER takes plate into kitchen]
WOMAN: [Looks at Menu] I wonder how many meatballs you get with the spaghetti pancakes. Would you love a meatball, Sugar?
WAITER: [Comes in from kitchen with Order Pad and thick “Desserts” book] Ma’am, it looks like you’re ready for dessert. Here’s the dessert menu. [Hands her the book].
WOMAN: What’s the best dessert you have here?
WAITER: It’s a surprise. And we only make it once a year.
WOMAN: Oh, do I have to come back another time?
WAITER: This is your lucky day. [Goes into kitchen, calling] Hey, Harry! Is the Once-a-Year Special ready?
WOMAN: Oh, this is so exciting. I’ll order coffee, too. [To pet] Would you like a little sugar, Sugar? [Sprinkles sugar on table. Looks toward kitchen] Oh, I can’t wait!
[WAITER with Order Pad comes in with THE COOK who is carrying a real birthday cake with lighted candles]
WAITER: Surprise! For the birthday person!
[THE COOK takes cake into the audience to the birthday person. Everyone sings Happy Birthday to You. The actors bow to the audience.]
If you’d like to put on this little play, I’m happy to send you the script in Word format that you can print out. Reply to this post with your email and your request.
“Oh, Waiter!” will be a lot of fun if you have some natural (or secretly natural) actors among your family and friends. Enjoy!
Look out Hollywood, Here I come!!
You guys are so clever, and always thinking of ways to have fun!